Have you heard of the movie Beginners directed by Mike Mills and starring Ewan McGregor and Christopher Plummer? The movie is based on Mike Mill’s real life and his relationship with his Dad who at the ripe age of 70 (and 6-mos after his wife’s passing) reveals that he’s gay. The movie chronicles the father’s exuberant embracing of his ‘new gay life’ and Mike’s relationship with his Dad as well as his new girlfriend.
It got me to thinking when I first came out in my late 20s and the ‘exuberance’ or rush that I felt. I could totally relate to this 70 year old man played by Christopher Plummer. Watching an interview with Mike Mills, he referred to the phenomenon as a second or ‘gay adolescence’, which I thought was a perfect term. For many people who come out later in life it does seem like they go through a second adolescence filled with boy crushes, drama and a lot of emotional energy.
Regardless of whether you’ve heard the term second adolescence or gay adolescence. Did you come out after your teenage years? And if so, did you also enjoy an intense second ‘gay adolescence’? Do tell…
Thanks to Jen on twitter who alerted me to a NPR interview of the director you can watch here.
The handsome guy posted at the beginning of the post has nothing to do with the movie but would be just the kind of guy who would have stopped me dead in my tracks. I’ve been looking for an excuse to post this picture and it seems that although my ‘gay adolescence’ is some years behind me now; some things never go away. I like that I remain a bit boy crazy.
</center
BosGuy 
I was born in 1982. My gay adolescence began at age 18 shortly after I went to college. Over an 18 month period, i probably averaged 20 or so hookups a month. I think I met my first gay student on campus moving day evening and lost my virginity shortly after. I assumed we would be in a relationship (he was a couple years older). By the next day, I found out he didn’t want to talk to me. Broke my heart. So, from then on. I went to as many hookups as I could for only sex and hurt some other young guy’s hearts as well. I only remember one true date vs hundreds of hookups. The only reason? He agreed to drive 40 miles or so to visit, so I figured I’d better at least buy him dinner to make him more willing to put out.
I knew I was gay way before going to college, but living in a small town, was unable to act on it. I never seriously dated a female. My mom says when I was about 8 years old, the cute neighbor girl wrote me a letter. I threw it away without even opening it. Looking back, I can see signs similar to that indicating I was gay. At about age 16, right when I started to think I might be gay, a very attractive female I went to high school with was constantly wanting me to go on dates and made it quite clear she was willing to do more. Shortly after that, my mom asked me if I was gay. I denied it, she knew better.
By the time I stepped on a huge state school campus at age 18, I knew I was physically attached to guys but did not have the
maturity to manage the emotional aspects.
Suddenly thrown in with other young, attractive gay males in similar situations with the true blossoming of gay chat rooms, it’s not hard to see what happened. Suddenly, I was finding myself have sex with young men when I didn’t even know their names. It could be so emotionally empty, yet so physically satisfying. I don’t know how many times I left the guy’s house and started crying, only to go back to my dorm room and look for yet another hookup. I don’t know how many times i went to guy’s houses drunk as hell. 3 hookups a day wasn’t unheard of. 18 months isn’t that long, but I just traded a beginning sex addiction for heroin addiction and buried my feelings. I’m one of the lucky ones, as my life could have ended up much worse. A few years ago, I tried to hunt down some of my fellow gay students that I had became more than hookups with, (although I still hooked up with them all) and so many were dead from HIV. After I did come out to my mom, she said she was worried about my ability to handle heartbreak and relationships, but she didn’t know what to do, as she didn’t want to tell me I was gay when I denied it. . I think it happened to fall right in that perfect storm where HIV was not fully manageable, young men were realizing that they were gay earlier than previous generations, yet not so much in high school like now, and high speed internet and expansion of computers (and gay.com) made meeting other young men for sex even easier and more impersonal than ever before, yet it was so new, the ramifications wasn’t understood. I was more frequently known by many gays on campus by my screen name (referencing my genetalia) than my real name. That couldn’t be healthy.
LikeLike
Do you know the young mans name in the picture above the one with the green shirt on that says (dependable)?
LikeLike
Don’t know Milly. Sorry.
LikeLike
Thanks for this topic – it's very interesting. I came out at age 48 after a 19 year marriage to a woman. We had three kids together. It was the single-most liberating experience of my life! Suddenly I was out of prison and I wanted to shout the news from the mountain top! While I did some exploring, I was too shy and reserved to have a "slut phase". Thankfully I had wonderful co-workers who supported me and helped me through my marriage break-up and the start of my gay journey. I also found an online friend I call my “gay mentor” who was instrumental in helping me to discover what I truly wanted while at the same time maintaining my moral and ethical values. I’m happy I waited until middle age for several reasons. First of all, I wasn’t mentally ready any earlier. I had to “come out” to myself first before I went any further. Secondly, at 48 years old I had lots of life’s experiences to draw from to help me wind my way down this new path (dealing with game players, flakes, charlatans, etc). Thirdly, I am probably even less adventuresome now than I was at a younger age so that assisted me health wise. Lastly, I wouldn’t have the three fantastic kids that I now have. From the stories I’ve heard of teens coming out . . . it wasn’t pretty for them (and it especially wouldn’t have been in my teen years). All in all, I was my “gay adolescence” for about 18 months until I met my wonderful partner and we have never looked back! I too LOVE being gay and LOVE being a gay father!
LikeLike
I think we all go through this at first. We spent so much time trying to act straight that once we come out it's time to just enjoy the new community we've found. I came out right after my freshman year of college. I spent a lot of time in and out of college for the next few years, bouncing between internships across the country. When I found a new city, everyone was all fun and new. There were always welcoming guys for early 20s college kid 🙂
LikeLike
Yes, definitely had a gay adolescence in my mid 30's after coming out and leaving my marriage. It was an interesting time: lamenting the loss of the one LTR I had had for 12 years, but also opening a new life…
LikeLike
Did I ever! There was such a tremendous rush, whenever I thought about being gay. It was as if the world was my oyster! And I found a few pearls. I still get that feeling. I love being gay. I would not change being gay for anything.I can't wait to see the movie. Plummer's performance is getting rave reviews! I guess that you have to compare the experience of Mill's father with the character played by Colin Firth in A Single Man.
LikeLike
I think part of it is who you are. Believe it or not, I actually tend to be introverted and shy. So, big time partying and general debauchery would not have been my tendency whether gay or straight. My mid 20's to mid 30's would have been the 1980's, so my reticence probably saved me.
LikeLike
I came out just after high school, though close friends in high school knew. And I think I did experience that second or gay adolescence, or maybe just the rush of finally getting to be completely myself.I'm really looking forward to this movie.
LikeLike
I definitely had a second adolescence in my Deb Year. Maybe "second adolescence" is just a nice way of saying "slut period," but I had a lot of fun.
LikeLike
Gosh, that movie is on the top of my "must-see" list! Thank you! As you probably know, I'll be 49 soon, father of three and came out only 5 months ago.I am just at the very beginning of my 'gay adolescence." I'm finding it a very exciting time despite doing through the stress of my separation & divorce at the same time. Many of my online friends are worried that I won't be sensible and safe when I start on the physical side of my gay 'slut phase.' I promise that I won't do anything foolish!
LikeLike
This looks really good. Ah, my 20s and mid 30s. I like to think I had two adolescences at least. That's why it's better to be gay. 😉
LikeLike